I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
