I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
