After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
