you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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