i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
