You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
