my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
