Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
