I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
