I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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