I faked an abortion last night.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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