I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
