My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize