he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
