So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
