Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
