"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize