Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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