I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
