Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
