I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
