A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish you could order shots online.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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