I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
