I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
