508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
