Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
