I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
