he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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