Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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