I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
