Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
BRING THE BAGELS
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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