A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
