Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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