watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
