Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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