she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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