So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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