no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
