So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
