Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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