How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Randomize
