Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
