I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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