Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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