Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
