if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
