plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
