i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
