A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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