awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
