Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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