Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
