im drinking this country out of the recession.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
