I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
