Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The air was thick with penises
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
