she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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