i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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