shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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