it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
