he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
