Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
